Healing the Father Wound, Shame & Pain: Reclaiming the Strength & Wisdom of Men in our Lives

Before writing anything about men and fathers, I am always reflective and slow to ponder. This is because I don't have the lived experience of a man and also because I am aware that I come from a lineage of women whose relationships with men have been immensely confusing, mistrusting and painfully complex. Now that I enjoy a respectful and warm relationship with the men in my life, beginning with my father, I am humbled by the depth of feelings of men and how deeply silenced & muted their feelings energy are in comparison to women. The deep silence also borders on the feelings of men being lost and confused by the men experiencing it themselves.

Much of what we experience as a Father Wound tells a story of the missing presence of softness and availability of the whole person of the father. Many people who work with me on father wounds reports experiencing parts of their fathers that are either frustrated, controlling and angry or that where the fathers are lost to addictions, infidelity and some form of emotional isolation that often the children can't fully understand themselves. The missing or narrow parts of men experienced by their children leaves a lifelong void of search of compassion, kindness, approval and acceptance of their fathers. When we experience this, something in us never fully flourishes and blossoms because we can be left like a child in waiting for either affection or an approval. We can also experience our energy being absorbed to protect/care for our fathers and this is especially true when there is trauma.

Many women will tell stories of dating with men who they seek this from. Men will tell stories of a persistent sense of feeling insufficient as a man and person and seek much validation from their work. At the same time these men can often struggle to love and respect a woman even if they have a desire to partner with one. This is often because they are stepping in their father's place to protect the hurt and feelings of their mothers who are suffering the pain and void of a lack of the presence of their partner, which doesn't allow men to be free to love another woman.

Through Family Constellations work, many have recognised the suffering of their fathers and grandfathers as one of whom whose feelings didn't matter because they had the heavy task of facing danger, facing humiliation for display of weakness, buried traumatic injuries or all three in order to try to secure a living for themselves and their families. Calling back the softness, presence and gentleness of men is probably one of the most delicate task in trans-generational healing because it requires immense safety.

In the same way for one who is seeking deep healing from our father's wound, we too ask the question if we can gather the courage to feel (this is for a son), the courage to have a deeply fulfilling relationship, to embrace our sexuality in its fullness, success and joy if our fathers have been one of those whose feelings and joy didn't matter or who had experienced deep humiliation in the face of losses and perceived weaknesses. As a part of this process, I am also inviting you to gently consider this question: Do you harbour shame when you consider your father? Do you harbour a sense of fear or lack that if he was one who failed in his life then you will be the same too and as a result may resent his failure too? Or are you one who is carrying his burdens for him? If you resonate, then I invite you to consider the healing sentences.

"Dear father (Dad, Pa), I bow down in deep honour to all you had been through as a man surviving in this world and what it had cost you, much of what I may not understand yet. I take courage to be a person with a deeply fulfilling life, a person who feels and is filled with success and abundance. I take courage to be happier than you."

How does this feel for you? How do these sentences land for you and what do they bring up for you? This may be an ongoing journey for you and it is wonderful if you choose to begin it or perhaps may wish for a later time to move into family therapy & healing.

I wish you an ongoing journey to reflect on your father's pain, the wounds you carry because of it and what possibilities may open up when you arrive at a place of compassion for all that has happened to the men in your lineage and what all can be celebrated from their gifts.

If you feel moved to participate in a Deep Healing Group Workshop (Family Constellations, Trans-Generational & Somatic Healing) with me or In an Individual Session then you can refer to the links below for information on dates and to book an appointments. For now, I facilitate offline group sessions between Singapore, Bali & Jakarta. I also offer group online sessions occasionally.

Group Workshop Information & Dates:

https://theopenconnections.podia.com/groupworkshops

Private Sessions (Singapore & International)

https://theopenconnectionsschedule.as.me

Private Sessions (Indonesia Only)

https://theopenconnections.simplybook.asia/v2/